Welcome to Armageddon!
by milady dragon
Summary: AU - It's Gwen Cooper's first day in the Armageddon Department.
1. Chapter 1

Welcome to Armageddon!

Author: Milady Dragon

Disclaimer: I don't own it, so please don't ask..

Author's note: Okay, this just came to me over a picture a friend over on LJ posted in response to one of my stories. It's crack, which seems to be a lot of what I'm writing lately, so I hope you like it.

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Gwen Cooper stepped through the dimensional door and into the large marble foyer of the Armageddon Department, gawking like a tourist as she made her way toward the well-appointed reception desk that took up a large portion of the front of the room. It was the first time she'd been there; being transferred to Armageddon was as close to getting a dream job as she could get, and she was excited about finally starting her new position. Of course, it wasn't like she'd actually ever be called on to take part in an Armageddon situation, but it was oh so important work, being employed by the ones in charge of all sorts of man-made calamities and those that make sure they didn't get too far out of hand.

It was a promotion as well. Up until she'd gotten her request to transfer approved, Gwen had been in Lower Management in the Guardians Section, and to be honest that had been just plain boring. Everyone was so goody goody there, Gwen had felt she just didn't belong. Everyone knew the truly exciting things were happening in such departments as Prophecy, Natural Disasters…and, of course, Armageddon.

Besides, she'd heard the boss, Apocalypse, was totally hot.

She stopped at the desk, smiling at the young woman sitting behind it. "Hi, I'm Gwen Cooper…I'm supposed to see Rose Tyler?"

The girl smiled back. "Rose is expecting you! She told me to tell you she'd be down shortly; there was an issue with a minor conflagration on Thoros Beta…I'm Emma-Louise by the way. Welcome to Armageddon!" She touched a couple of keys on the fancy keyboard inset into her desktop, and Gwen assumed she was somehow letting the woman who was supposed to meet her that she'd arrived.

"Thanks! I'm looking forward to working here." She really was. When she'd heard about the upcoming vacancy, Gwen had jumped at the chance to apply. To be honest, she was surprised she'd been accepted, but she wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth.

"So you know what you'll be doing yet?"

"The job posting said something about an opening in Provocation…"

Emma nodded. "That'd be Suzie's old job then. She took a transfer to Prophecy, although the rumor was she was poached by Bilis Manger…"

Of course Gwen had heard of Bilis Manger, the enigmatic head of the Prophecy Department. He only worked with the best, although it was said the man was creepy as you-know-where.

"Are you Gwen Cooper?"

She turned to see a harassed-looking blonde woman behind her. She was dressed in a pencil skirt and white blouse, and had several pouches on her rather fashionable belt. "Yes, I'm Gwen. Are you Rose?"

"That's me. I'm supposed to show you the ropes and get you settled." She gave Gwen a smile as she offered her hand.

Gwen accompanied her guide through the large marble foyer and toward a bank of lifts in the center of the building. "As you know," Rose went on, "Armageddon is the dimensional division that causes all sorts of chaos all over the Multiverse. We handle everything from minor coups, to plagues, crop failures, all the way up to interstellar wars. It can be non-stop, let me tell you." She pressed the 'up' button. "What made you decide to transfer here, anyway?"

"I thought I was going to get diabetes if I stayed any longer in Guardians, with all the sweetness that goes on there," she answered honestly. "Plus it was boring. I felt like I was going to go mad." It was all right for Rhys, her boyfriend, but Gwen quickly figured out that she needed more than just ushering souls through their lives. Standing back and not doing much of anything grated on her.

Rose laughed. "Yeah, we get a lot of that here. Believe me, Armageddon is hardly boring. Especially when you're working directly for one of the Horsemen."

The lift door opened with a soft chime. Gwen followed Rose into the car, staring at her in shock. "You work for one of the Horsemen?" She couldn't help the awe in her voice. Everyone knew of Apocalypse's Four Horsemen, even if they'd never seen them before.

Rose hit the button for the ninety-ninth floor. "Yep. I'm the PA for John Hart…War himself. Each of the Horsemen has a PA, and you'll be meeting the girls here in a bit. We're really glad to see you…Owen's been tetchy ever since Katie left for Upper Management. We still can't figure out why she did, but good luck to her. "

It took Gwen four floors for her brain to catch up with what Rose was intimating. "Wait…I'm going to work for Pestilence?"

"Sure. It's what you applied for." Rose looked at her strangely. "What did you think you'd be doing?"

"I thought I was getting a place in Provocation!" She was beginning to panic. It had never occurred to her that she'd even meet any of the Horsemen, let alone work for one of them directly.

Rose smirked. "Well, you may have done…but the Horsemen usually get the pick of any new staff who apply here. Don't worry," she added, obviously seeing the look of panic on Gwen's face, "you'll be fine. Owen Harper can be a prat, but he's the best Pestilence ever. He'll give you shit at first, but if you stand up to him he'll accept you."

Gwen couldn't believe how nervous she was. She'd gotten up that morning fully expecting to start off as a small cog in Provocation, hoping to work herself up in a couple of years to a managerial position that would allow her and Rhys to get married and have children at some point. Yet, there she was…going to work for one of Apocalypse's own Horsemen! It wasn't possible!

Wait until she told Rhys! He'd flip! Then he'd call her a liar!

The lift stopped, and the doors slid open, revealing a large open plan space with one enormous window on the opposite wall, looking out onto the Chaos that was the Veil Between Dimensions. Four desks were positioned in each corner, each in front of a door, a couple of which were open. There was a small seating area near the lift, and Rose led Gwen past it and into the room beyond.

There were two other women in the office. One was a redhead; she was standing at the counter of a small built-in kitchen, and she'd turned to look at them as Rose ushered Gwen forward. The other had dark hair, in an almost old-fashioned style, and had been seated at the desk closest to the lift.

"Hello, ladies," Rose called. The other two women stopped what they were doing and moved to join them. "This is Gwen Cooper. Apparently she really didn't apply for the job, but Owen picked her."

"Course he did!" the redhead snorted.

Gwen felt like she'd just been insulted. "I'm sure I can do the job – "

"Honey, she wasn't saying anything against you," the brunette put in. "It's just Owen…believe me, you'll see after about an hour with him."

That made her feel marginally better. Although it did build up even more worries about working for someone who'd hire a person for something other than her qualifications, even if she doubted that she'd be there if there wasn't something in her CV that recommended her to Pestilence.

Rose introduced her fellow PA's. The brunette was Diane Holmes, and she worked for Andy Davidson, who was currently the Horseman, Famine. Of them all, she had the least seniority bar Gwen, and seemed nice enough.

The redhead was Donna Noble. She'd been there almost as long as Rose had, and was PA for Death himself. "Cute Welshboy that he is," she smirked, causing the others to giggle.

Gwen's mouth fell open. She'd known that with a name like Ianto Jones, that Death had to be Welsh, but coming face-to-face with the truth of it was like getting a slap to the face, even as it made her proud of her own Welshness.

"You'll be introduced to Jack's PA as soon as he's done with her," Rose said. "Tosh is fantastic; I think you'll love her."

"Jack?" Gwen asked blankly. Then it hit her: Jack Harkness. "Apocalypse has a PA too?"

"Sure does," Diane answered. "He's the least organized of the lot. Tosh sure knows how to keep him focused though."

"Oh, one more thing," Donna said, "my boss is boinking the Big Man."

All right, this was just getting surreal. "You mean…Apocalypse is…" she made certain hand motions that couldn't have been mistaken for anything else, "…Death?"

"Jack's got good taste, is all I can say," Rose answered.

"Truer statement never spoken," Donna agreed.

"Amen, sisters," Diane added. "Ianto is hot. I'd do him."

"They think they're being discrete," Donna went on. "But Tosh has proof from the inter-office CCTV. If you ask nicely I'm sure she'll share."

Gwen just stood there, as they discussed two of their bosses like that. This sort of thing would have been frowned upon in Guardians. It floored her that these gossiping women were the personal assistants to four of the most powerful men in the Multiverse. But then, if you couldn't talk about who you worked for…

"Ladies!" a voice drawled, interrupting the confab of PA's. "You can stop talking about me now, I'm here!"

Gwen turned with the rest of them. A man in period military garb had exited from one of the closed doors, and was swaggering toward them, his arms opened as if to embrace them all. The thought passed through Gwen's mind that he had really nice cheekbones…

Rose laughed, Donna rolled her eyes, and Diane shook her head.

"Don't let anyone ever tell you there's anything wrong with your ego, John," Rose retorted, grinning.

The surprise set in again…Gwen was apparently face-to-face with War himself…John Hart. A part of her wanted to ask for his autograph. Another part apparently wanted to snog him. A third wanted to cringe at both thoughts.

For his part, Hart was seriously checking her out. "What have we here? Another pretty little friend…?"

"This is Gwen," Rose introduced once more. "Owen wanted her."

"I can see why…yum!"

Gwen felt the blush build up in her cheeks. The other women were busily making their positions on John's flirting with the new girl known…mostly along the lines of mock jealousy and playful indignation.

Apparently this wasn't at all unusual for War to hit on the newbie. Or anyone else for that matter.

Rose looked stern. "Leave her alone. We want her to stay."

John Hart held up his hands in surrender. "Easy Gorgeous! Just being friendly!"

"There's friendly…and then there's _friendly_. And that was definitely _friendly_. Now, I suppose you'll be wanting your schedule?"

"You read me like a book."

"That's not hard," Donna whispered in Gwen's ear, and she couldn't help but giggle.

That earned her a look, but Rose got his attention by pulling a slim PDA from one of the pouches at her waist. She poked at it with a stylus. "There's a palace coup on Sparana Prime in the next hour; a revolution on Piri that's about to get out of control – that's your 10am appointment, and Ianto's already arranged to lend you a pair of his Angels to help out with the mess…"

"Two?" John questioned. "I don't think _mess_ is the word we should be using then."

"If Ianto puts two Angels on it," Donna murmured to Gwen, "it usually means a massacre." A PDA matching Rose's appeared in her own hand, making notes of her own. "He usually just sticks with just one."

Gwen nodded. She was passingly familiar with how Armageddon worked: each Horseman had their own cadre of Angels, to do the work that they wouldn't – or couldn't – handle themselves. There was an awful lot of minor catastrophes out there, and even a powerful being such as a Horseman of the Apocalypse could only be in so many places at once.

"And we're expecting a full Armageddon after tea, so Jack wants a lunch meeting with all the Horsemen," Rose finished.

Gwen's heart lurched into overdrive. On her first day…an Armageddon?

_Oh bugger…_


	2. Chapter 2

Welcome to Armageddon!

Author: Milady Dragon

Disclaimer: I don't own it, and if I did certain things wouldn't have happened.

Author's note: Sorry about the delay! Been a bit hectic, but I should be posting a chapter of this a day until it's all up. Thanks to everyone who have reviewed and alerted and such. Hope you enjoy this chapter!

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The other PA's seemed to take pity on Gwen; once War had left, they ushered her over to the small kitchenette and Donna made her a cup of coffee.

"Don't worry," Diane said, "we don't usually have anything to do with the actual Armageddons; we just help with set-up and the paperwork afterward."

"And you'll have us to help you this first time," Rose added.

Gwen took a swig of the coffee. "Thanks," she said sincerely. "I don't usually panic like that…"

Diane laughed. "We all did it, sweetie. Don't worry, it's not hard, it's just a lot of busy work."

"Yeah," Donna replied. "We should warn you: Owen has the worst handwriting _ever_. And he hates doing paperwork, so you'll have to convince him to do it."

"I hope you're not saying what I think you're saying!" Gwen cried, scandalized.

All three laughed.

"Oh no," Rose answered. "Nothing like that, unless you want to. No, usually withholding coffee or biscuits is enough."

"Sometimes you have to get a bit rough," Donna added. "Then you should try bribes. Tell him that you'll ask Ianto to make him a coffee, that usually does the trick."

Gwen was confused. "Why would that make Owen more likely to do his work?"

"Honey, you haven't tasted Ianto's coffee yet," Diane said. "It's as close to Heaven in a cup you can get."

"Yep," Rose added. "Before he became Death, he was a barista. His coffee is addictive."

"Wait…are you saying that one of the Horsemen had once made coffee for a living?" Gwen hadn't known what to expect, but it certainly wasn't _that_.

The other PA's looked at each other. "Well, yeah," Donna said. She sounded a bit insulted. "Just because someone wasn't some poncy general or politician, doesn't mean they can't be a great Horseman."

"Yeah," Rose put in. "John was a conman before he set foot in Armageddon."

"And Andy was a copper," Diane added.

"Look, I didn't mean to say anything bad about anyone," Gwen denied quickly. "It just surprised me, that's all."

It amazed her that such important people didn't have more important backgrounds. It made her wonder what Owen had done before becoming Pestilence. Probably an accountant or something along those lines…

"Don't worry about it," Rose said. All three PA's still looked a bit peeved, but Gwen nodded. "Look, you'll get used to how things work around here. Just look at it like any other job, none of that celebrity hero worship stuff. They're just our bosses, after all."

And that was going to be easier said than done…

"Let's show you where you're gonna be set up," Donna said. "We'll get you into the system and get you a PDA. You won't be able to survive without one."

It turned out that Gwen's desk was the one opposite Diane's. There was a small brass plaque on the door behind her chair with 'Pestilence' written in tasteful calligraphy on it.

The desk itself had one of those inset keyboards, and Gwen knew immediately that she'd have to be careful about where she set anything. The computer's monitor was a fancy plasma touch screen, with a stylized 'A' spinning in lazy concentric circles on it, and the mouse was wireless. Gwen marveled at it; they'd not had such fancy equipment in Guardians.

Rose helped her set up a login and password, and showed her how to access the appointment schedule. From what she could see, Pestilence had a major outbreak on Ceti Alpha Five that morning, lasting up until the lunch meeting with Apocalypse. There was an appointment listed that afternoon, but it was obscured by the word 'Armageddon' flashing in brilliant mauve letters, filling every spot on the schedule after lunch.

She wondered why mauve…

There was a sub-schedule as well, showing locations of the various Angels under Pestilence's command. There were other Angels as well; everything was color-coded: red for War; green for Pestilence; yellow for Famine; and black for Death. There were also blue Angels, and Rose pointed out that those belonged to Apocalypse himself, and that they were only in play in specific circumstances…although she didn't say what those were.

Donna was the one to show Gwen around her shiny new PDA. It was about the size of one of the mobiles used in Guardians, and the images on the large screen moved just under the slightest pressure of the stylus. It made her slightly dizzy, but the redhead encouraged her to play with it, saying that there wasn't anything she could do that Tosh couldn't fix.

Gwen found herself wanting to meet this Tosh. She was apparently a technical wizard as well as Apocalypse's PA.

One by one, the others got called away on various tasks, leaving Gwen to explore her desk a bit more. She didn't know how long she'd been left alone, but was digging about in the digital files when a polite sounding cough interrupted her.

She looked up. A young man stood in front of the desk, a slight smile on his admittedly handsome features. He was dressed in a black suit and waistcoat, a black shirt, and a tie so deep a red it too was almost black. Only the different textures of the fabrics kept the blackness of his wardrobe from being completely unrelieved.

He looked like nothing more than a Middle Management type…except for the scythe he held in his left hand, the glittering silver blade arcing a good foot and a half over his dark-haired head.

So this was Death then. Gwen could see why the other PA's thought Ianto Jones was yummy.

"Good morning," he said calmly, his tones obviously Welsh. "I wanted to welcome you to Armageddon before Owen tried to run you off." He held out a mug. "Coffee?"

It took Gwen several seconds to realize that Death was offering her a cup of coffee. Remembering what the others had said, even though the action was very surreal, she accepted, taking a cautious sip…

And nearly swooned.

"This is amazing," she moaned. "How did you know how I liked it?"

"I know everything." The statement was made matter-of-factly, with no hubris in the tone.

Then the rest of what he'd said registered. "Is Pestilence likely to try to run me off?" she asked, her voice squeaking a bit.

"No more than anyone else," was the reply. "Owen is a bit…abrasive, but trust me when I say he treats everyone the same. I'm sure you'll do fine."

"Oi!" The rather rude exclamation almost made Gwen spill her cup of Heaven, and she was really put out by that. She turned to face the intruder, wondering if she shouldn't be calling Security.

The man was thin-faced, with a sour expression. He wore a leather jacket over what looked like a green hospital scrub top, and a pair of faded jeans. He looked thoroughly disreputable.

"I wanna know," the man went on, "why the newbie gets the good coffee?"

Death smiled slightly. It wasn't a smile that Gwen ever wanted aimed in her direction. "What makes you think this is the good coffee?" He sounded almost innocent.

"Because, you're standing at her desk, and she's holding a mug…I can make the inference, Tea Boy."

This time, Ianto rolled his eyes. "I'm just making her feel welcome, before you start giving her ten types of shit. And, you know that I _never_ serve tea, so I don't know why you insist on calling me that."

"It's because it pisses you off, of course."

"It doesn't piss me off, Owen…although it makes me wonder about your level of maturity."

Gwen's mouth fell open. This ragged looking man was her new boss?

She wondered if it wasn't too late to see if that position in Provocation was still open…

"At least I don't have to get ahead in the department by shagging the Big Man."

Ianto looked perfectly serene under Pestilence's comment. "I assure you, shagging Apocalypse is only a bonus. The way you go on about it, I'd say you were jealous."

"Ew…that's just disgusting!"

Okay…so Death and Pestilence were bickering like schoolboys…this was just wonderful. And War was a flirtatious ex-conman…what did that mean about Famine? And what had Pestilence also been in his other life?

Yes, that other position was starting to look really good now…

"Before we were interrupted," Ianto went on, turning his attention back to Gwen, "I just wanted to welcome you to the Armageddon Department. If you have any problems, don't hesitate to ask Donna or the other PA's. They'll be more than willing to help you with anything you might need." He leaned forward, as if attempting to put their conversation on a more intimate level. "If Owen bothers you too much, just offer to withhold coffee. He can't make it himself without it looking like industrial grade motor oil and it tasting like liquid pteranodon feces – "

"I heard that!"

Ianto looked weary. "Yes, Owen…you were meant to." He turned back to Gwen. "Don't let him get to you, and you'll be fine. I can assure you, the rest of us understand how he is, and we'll support you."

Gwen was touched by Death's concern, even though he'd just been going at it with his fellow Horseman. Although, she had to admit that he'd come off better in the verbal altercation. "Thanks," she answered. "I'll keep all that in mind. And thanks for the coffee."

"Not a problem, Gwen. " He turned back to Pestilence. "Owen, we have a lunch meeting with Apocalypse in half an hour. Apparently there's an Armageddon situation this afternoon, and he wants to discuss it with us beforehand."

"We haven't had one of those in a while."

"I know. I'm looking forward to it." There was that smile again, and Gwen shivered slightly.

"I can imagine…after all, you get the super-PA who can handle all the paperwork an Armageddon generates. I'm stuck with the new girl, who doesn't know the difference between an Apocalypse and an Armageddon – "

"Excuse me," Gwen spoke up, irritated that he was casting aspersions on her abilities, "but I _do_ know the difference, and if you didn't think I did, why did you hire me in the first place?"

That earned her a pleased smile from Death, and a scowl from Pestilence. She preened under both.

"Hey, Boss Man." Donna appeared almost magically at Ianto's elbow. "I got your schedule cleared for the rest of the afternoon, and I sent information on that supernova over to Angel Dispatch and Azrael is going to put a cadre on it, so that's taken care of."

"Thank you, Donna," Death said. "Perhaps, if you had the time, you could take Gwen through the procedures for dispatching Angels? I'd appreciate it, since she's going to have clear Owen's schedule as well."

"No problem." The redheaded PA bustled around to Gwen's side.

"I can pull up the schedule," she said, doing it as she spoke.

Donna showed her what she needed to do, and with only a couple mistakes Gwen managed to get Angels on the one appointment Owen had that the Armageddon would interrupt. She felt a sense of accomplishment, daring to consider that things might not be so hard after all.


	3. Chapter 3

Welcome to Armageddon!

Author: Milady Dragon

Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood, I would have treated it better.

Author's note: Here's the next chapter! Hope you enjoy. Thanks to everyone who are reviewing and alerting!

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**Chapter Three**

Gwen hadn't been expecting to be joining the Horsemen and Apocalypse for their lunch meeting, but that was where she ended up.

The meeting room was on the one hundredth floor, where Apocalypse also had his own office. It was a large, well appointed room with its own small kitchenette and a picture window overlooking the great Veil Between Dimensions. The table was round, with five throne-like chairs interspersed around it, each one bearing the sigil of its owner. Five smaller chairs for the PA's were set against one wall, and they too were marked; Gwen easily found the Staff of Pestilence on hers.

Oh, and there was also a rather large vulture on a perch in the corner of the room, overlooking the gathering with black, baleful eyes.

"That's Myfanwy," Rose asked, to Gwen's unanswered question. "She's Apocalypse's."

That made a bit of sense for Apocalypse to have some sort of mascot but, "Myfanwy?" Gwen was surprised at such a Welsh name.

"She was a gift from Death, and he named her."

Death…was giving gifts to Apocalypse? That didn't sound very professional…but then, Gwen really hadn't seen much of that in the hours she'd been working for the department.

Death himself was the first to arrive. Ianto rested his large scythe against the wall near his chair, and then made his way to the kitchenette, where he began fiddling with the fancy coffee machine that took up residence on the short countertop. In short order the other Horsemen showed up; Gwen got her first look at Famine, who was a youngish man with curly blond hair dressed in a rugby jersey and jeans. She was inordinately proud of the fact that Andy Davidson appeared to be another countryman, judging from the team logo on his shirt.

And then, Apocalypse arrived.

If Gwen had thought Ianto Jones was yummy, then Jack Harkness was absolutely scrumptious.

The man was devastatingly handsome. Styled hair, piercing blue eyes, that jawline…and his clothes, which – if Gwen wasn't mistaken – were made up of period World War II pieces, including the greatcoat that swirled around him as he walked.

Now this was what she'd hoped for in a Horseman! He just looked every inch the hero and man of action that she'd hoped for.

Gwen was so caught up in watching Apocalypse that she almost missed the woman accompanying him. She was a small woman, Japanese, and she bustled past her employer so she could direct the caterers who apparently were responsible for lunch. In no time at all folding tables had been set up, and the delicious smells of what Gwen recognized as Chinese food were making her stomach remind her that she'd only had a slice of toast that morning for breakfast.

"Hello, ladies," Apocalypse greeted the PA's effusively. He hugged Donna, kissed Rose very enthusiastically, bussed Diane on the cheek…and then came to Gwen, who found herself completely and utterly tongue-tied as he took her hand. "Why, hello there," his voice seemed to actually go down an octave, and it sent a shiver down Gwen's spine. "Captain Jack Harkness…and you are?"

"Jack," Death warned, "stop it."

Apocalypse went from flirty to pouting in the blink of an eye. "I was just saying hello."

"If you say so," was the good-natured reply.

"Oi, Harkness," Owen piped up, "quit drooling over my new PA. That's my job."

"You always were a selfish bastard, Owen," Jack retorted, his face taking on a smirk that had Gwen a bit weak in the knees. "Welcome to Armageddon, Ms…"

"C-Cooper. Gwen Cooper." She inwardly cursed her stutter, but the man was completely knocking her off kilter. And he smelled fantastic, too!

"Ms Gwen Cooper." Apocalypse winked at her, then turned away. "Let's get this meeting started, people. Armageddons don't wait until we're ready."

There was a general stampede toward the food, and while that was going on, Gwen finally got to meet Toshiko Sato, Apocalypse's PA.

"Welcome to Armageddon," the Japanese woman greeted. "Please don't mind Jack; he flirts with anything with a pulse…and a couple of things without."

Gwen actually felt herself blushing. "It's fine. I just wasn't expecting it. Everyone's been too busy warning me about Owen."

Toshiko laughed. "I can understand that. Owen can be a bit of a prick. You're actually the fifth person he's hired since Katie left."

Gwen's jaw dropped open. "The fifth? I didn't know that!"

"Jack was about ready to assign him someone without giving him a choice. We're important to the Horsemen, and Owen really needs a good PA. None of them are all that organized – except for Ianto, and he's even more organized than Donna, if that's possible. In fact," she leaned closer, her voice lowering, "we really run the department, more than the Horsemen do. They'd fall apart without us. Only, you can't say that to them. They think they're in charge." She winked conspiratorially.

Gwen nodded, not wanting to show her surprise but was a bad enough actress to realize she couldn't. If she hadn't been under pressure before…

"Don't worry about it," Toshiko said. "You'll be fine. Just listen to what's going on, and ask if you have any questions. There's a lot that goes into this job, but I have a feeling that you'll be fine." She patted Gwen on the arm, then headed over to the food table.

She followed, knowing that she'd need to eat something if she wanted to keep up with things. This was just so overwhelming, her mind was still trying to catch up. Well, all she could do was the best job she could, and then when she got home, go nuts.

After everyone had a plate – the various PA's pulling their chairs up to the table so they had a place to rest their plates – Apocalypse called the meeting to order.

"Welcome to another Armageddon, boys and girls," Jack began. "Tosh, if you would…?"

Toshiko pressed something on her PDA, and one of the large window panels went opaque. It took Gwen a few seconds to realize it was like some sort of huge monitor screen, as it split to reveal two worlds. "Here we have Balyar and Tolen," Jack went on. "Now, I know Ianto and John have been monitoring both worlds closely…"

"I hadn't expected them to go Armageddon so fast," War leaned back in his chair, twirling a chopstick between nimble fingers. "I know they were both developing planet-buster weapons, but they should've been years away from testing, let alone implementation."

"That's because that's not what they're using," Death answered. He looked incongruous with a napkin tucked into his collar, in order to keep anything from dripping onto his suit. "I sent a memo to Owen about it…"

"Yeah well," Pestilence snapped, "I haven't exactly had a lot of help lately, have I?"

"And whose fault is that?" Ianto challenged, raising a single eyebrow in rebuke.

"Enough," Jack ordered. "So, you're saying it's biological?"

Ianto nodded. "Balyar has developed a fast-acting virus that they're planning to use on Tolen. The marked increase in deaths due to experimentation caught my attention."

"I'm sorry," Gwen raised her hand, not really wanting to draw attention to herself but feeling very confused. "I'm afraid I don't understand."

Jack smiled at her reassuringly. "Balyar and Tolen have been at war with each other for decades, over something even they can't remember. We've been monitoring them for a while now, just waiting to see what they have planned. They're the source of the Armageddon warning."

"So, Tolen is going to be destroyed by plague," Famine spoke up, and yes he did have a Welsh accent. "What about Balyar? Are they both going Armageddon then?"

"That's the indication, yes," Jack answered. "By the end of the day, both planets will be essentially dead."

That single proclamation about broke Gwen's heart. Two cultures…both on the road to killing themselves. "Can't we stop it?" she blurted before she even knew she'd spoken.

It earned her strange looks from everyone in the room, including the vulture.

"We're not in the business of stopping mortals from destroying each other," Apocalypse answered sharply. "That's up to the Guardians, and to a smaller extent Prophecy. Our job is to clean up the mess left behind. It's a hard job, and if you don't think you can be a part of this – "

"No!" Gwen exclaimed. "Sorry." She had no idea what had prompted her to even suggest such a thing. She was well aware of what they did in Armageddon, and she'd been the one to request the transfer. Although, it wasn't quite the job she'd thought she'd be getting…

"It's just a holdover from her time in Guardians," Death put in.

Jack raised a single eyebrow. "You came here from Guardians? Now, that's what I call a complete turnabout in jobs."

Gwen blushed. "I was bored there."

"I can understand that," Apocalypse laughed. "Well, you won't be bored here." He leered in her direction, and Gwen blushed even more.

"So," Andy went on, "what about Balyar?"

"From the indications Prognostication has been getting," Death answered, "the virus gets loose on Balyar as well."

"Hoist by their own Petard, then," War summed it up.

"Okay," Jack brought attention back to himself. "Looks like Owen and Ianto are going to be the busiest of us today. Do you have all the resources you'll need?"

Donna was already using her PDA, staccato tapping filling the room. Gwen pulled her own out, accessing the Angel register to see who was available to help out.

"We have thirty available Angels of Death on standby," Donna reported. "I sent a memo to Azrael in Angel Dispatch about it, too."

"Looks like there's twenty-seven available Angels of Pestilence open to help," Gwen answered, just a little unsure of what she was seeing. "Um…five more are coming off assignments, and could be ready if needed."

The wink she received from Donna told her that she'd gotten it right. Gwen wanted to preen, but not in front of the bosses.

The other PA's were also working on their PDA's. "Looks like the virus also manages to decimate large sections of the food chain," Diane said. "Anyone who happens to live past the virus will effectively starve."

"Plenty for me to do, then," Andy said, relaxing back in his chair.

"And since they were already at war to begin with…" John said, putting his boots up on the table and pushing his chair back on its rear legs.

"I've just got another alert," Toshiko piped up. "Looks like the virus doesn't stay confined to either world." The screen spilt again, this time into four more sections. Each one showed a different planet.

"Collateral damage," Apocalypse said. The term almost sounded like an insult. "Tosh, keep up on those updates. We'll need to know if this jumps again. Rose, Diane…see what Angels are available in your sections as well. Looks like we're going to be working overtime on this, people."

The meeting began winding down, once the other PA's cleared extra Angels for duty. Gwen could feel an excitement growing inside her, knowing that this day would either make or break her.


	4. Chapter 4

Welcome to Armageddon!

Author: Milady Dragon

Disclaimer: Not mine, but I wish it were.

Author's Notes: Chapter four is here! Thanks to everyone reading this, I'm glad you're liking it! It's been fun to write. Thanks again.

* * *

There was some more discussion, but the meeting broke up pretty quickly after all the Chinese had been devoured. Gwen found herself in the group heading back to their floor; it was the other PA's, as well as three out of the four Horsemen, Death being called back by Apocalypse. That had sent Rose and Diane into a fit of giggles, while Pestilence snorted and War looked a bit jealous. Donna mumbled something about others being childish, and Tosh and Famine didn't react at all.

It was like hanging out with a group of dysfunctional teenagers.

The moment they were back on their floor, they scattered to their various desks and offices, except for Toshiko who was conferring with Donna over something. Gwen went to her desk, sitting down and trying to look busy while she was actually panicking. What was she supposed to do now? She'd used her PDA to make the proper Angel alerts, but she didn't seem to have anything else to do while the other PA's were practically bustling. A part of her wanted to get up and ask, while another part was feeling a bit forgotten and somewhat stroppy over that particular notion.

Eventually the realization that if she didn't do something, she'd be out of a job, made her get up and approach Rose. War's personal assistant looked up, and immediately a contrite expression crossed her face. "I'm sorry," she said. "Armageddons can be a bit hectic. There's so much paperwork to handle…okay, why don't you give me half a sec and I'll be over to show you where the forms are."

Gwen smiled her thanks, and did what she was requested. True to her word, Rose was with her quickly, holding a sticky note with a list of numbers on it. "Okay," she said, "these are the forms you'll need. They're all pretty simple to work with; it's just knowing which ones are for what and how to fill them out. The most involved one is the Angel Requisition form, and you'll have to list the designations of all the Angels you're requesting to help with the Armageddon."

"But didn't I send that request to Angel Dispatch already?" Gwen asked, letting her frustration show.

"Yep, but Azrael needs an official request form as well as the electronic request you sent. You'll need to get the names from the Angel spreadsheet…you know where that is, right?"

Gwen nodded, her heart sinking. Twenty-seven Angels she'd requested, as well as five coming off duty and being on standby…this was going to take a while.

To think, she'd wanted a transfer from Guardians to escape the boredom!

Rose went on about the other forms, pressing the post-it to the bottom of her monitor where she could see it. Gwen was really second-guessing her being there; she'd thought things would be a bit more exciting than filling in mountains of paperwork, even though the others seemed to be enjoying it just fine. She knew how important bureaucracy was, but she hadn't expected to be drowned in it, even if it was all forms on a computer screen!

At one point during Rose's recital, Gwen thought she heard the lift chime its arrival on their floor, but didn't want to be distracted away from Rose's instructions. War's PA soon finished, ending her explanations with a cheery, "Don't be afraid to ask for anything!" before leaving a depressed Gwen staring at her computer screen and wishing she was back in her old position.

Or, at the very least, that Owen bloody Harper hadn't seen her CV, and that she'd ended up in Provocation like she'd wanted to in the first place.

Biting her lip, she got to work, knowing she had only a short time to get all this done.

She started on the Angel Requisition form first, wanting to get it out of the way. After she'd entered in about five names she realized it would be a lot easier if she simply copied and pasted the information from her spread sheet into the document, and found that she finished it in no time at all.

Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.

She was making her way through a Soul Traffic Queue form when she heard her name being rather disrespectfully called.

"Oi, Cooper!" Owen practically shouted. "Get that pert arse in here!"

She managed to stifle a sigh. Getting up from her chair, she made her way into her new bosses' office. It was the first time she'd actually been within, and it was just as messy as she'd feared. Files and papers were strewn all over the dark hardwood desk. What looked like a pile of dirty clothes was in one corner, and an overflowing trashcan was spilling its contents all over the floor next to the desk. But it was the walls that really drew her attention.

Three out of the four were covered by brightly colored post-it notes.

Each had something written on it, although she couldn't make any of the writing out, just because the script was so jumbled and scrawled. There were also some that looked as if they'd been decorated with stick figures. She couldn't help it; her mouth dropped open.

"Anyone ever tell you that surprised isn't a very attractive look for you?" Pestilence snarked.

His tone snapped her out of it. "Then you shouldn't surprise me then," she snarked back.

An appreciative gleam seemed to dance in the Horseman's eye, to be replaced by irritation. "I need more sticky notes."

"Well, if you insist on using them as wallpaper – "

"This is my system, Cooper," he interrupted. "So I don't use a fancy computer program to track my Angels…I like doing it this way and you'll need to get used to it if you plan on working for me. Now, I need sticky notes, in every color we have. They'll be in the stationary cupboard."

Gwen stood there, wanting to say something but, when she actually had to think about a comeback, nothing came to her. Instead, she settled for flouncing out of the office…

And then she realized she didn't have any idea where the stationary cupboard was.

Gwen had to ask.

Diane was sitting at her desk, with no one around her, and so she decided to approach her. "Can you tell me where the stationary cupboard is?"

She grinned. "Owen out of post-its again?"

"Does he really use all those for some sort of tracking system?" Gwen asked incredulously.

"He likes to think so." Diane leaned forward a little. "It's best to just go along with it. All you have to know is that you're the power behind the Horseman. Let him do what he wants, and fetch what he needs. It'll make him easier to get along with."

Gwen barely resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "Then I'd best get at it."

"The stationary cupboard is around the corner, to the left. The post-its are on the right-hand shelf next to the staples and the copier paper."

Gwen thanked her, heading off in the direction Diane had indicated. Just as the PA had said, the door was right there, and was a non-descript wooden thing that she would have passed without even noticing. She sighed. Once she got Owen's sticky notes, she'd have her pre-Armageddon paperwork to get back to. Oh joy.

She grasped the knob, throwing the door open…before she even registered the heavy breathing, let alone the moans.

Her eyes flew wide at the sight within.

If she wasn't so shocked and embarrassed, it would have occurred to her that both Apocalypse and Death were really toned.

Gwen let out a little squeak, slamming the door shut. She could feel her face flush hotly as she practically ran back to her desk.

Owen was waiting for her. "What's the matter?" he demanded. "Get lost on the way?"

She opened her mouth to reply, but nothing came out. It was just too humiliating to admit that she'd seen…she wondered vaguely how Apocalypse managed to control his gag reflex…

Something in her expression must have communicated itself to Pestilence, because Owen began to laugh. "You caught them at it, didn't you?"

She didn't even ask what 'them' he meant. All she could do was nod.

Owen moved out into the middle of the office. "Okay, who had the stationary cupboard?"

Laughter broke out among the PA's, drawing Famine and War from their offices. "I think that was Donna," Tosh answered.

"Bloody hell," War snorted. "That woman always wins."

"That's because I know my boss," Donna said triumphantly. "Pay up, dumbos."

It suddenly occurred to Gwen just what they were talking about. "Wait! You bet on…that?" She couldn't say it, so she used hand gestures to describe what she'd seen.

"Of course," Toshiko answered, as if betting on their bosses' sex lives was the most natural thing in the cosmos. "They like to think they're being discrete, but we all know they're at it. We have a regular pool going."

"Especially right before an Armageddon," Diane added. "Pre-Armageddon adrenaline rush. Gotta do something to work it off."

"But…in the stationary cupboard?" Gwen asked.

"It's as good a place as anywhere else," Donna said, accepting a wad of cash from Famine.

"I wish I could win sometime," Andy commented.

"I wish I could _catch_ 'em sometime," War sighed wistfully. "Maybe they'd ask me to join in…"

"Tell me," Donna said gleefully, "was Jack…stroking the scythe?"

"What?" This was becoming a day for squeaking, it seemed.

"The boss has a thing for the scythe," Toshiko shared, with what could only be described as an unholy light in her eyes.

"That's disgusting, Tosh," Owen gagged.

"But it's true!" she exclaimed. "I've seen the evidence."

"You and that damned CCTV footage!"

"Just because you don't like it Owen, doesn't mean the rest of us need to deprive ourselves."

"They're really hot," John added, even more wistfully. "I just wish they'd share."

Gwen couldn't believe it. They were all standing around, acting like the sexual exploits of Death and Apocalypse as if it were the most normal of office gossip.

Well, with this crew it probably was.

And, she had been warned. She just hadn't expected to see it so blatantly.

Gwen didn't consider herself a prude. Far from it; she and Rhys had quite a healthy sex life. It was just the idea that two such powerful men were the talk of their staff in such an undignified way. Of course, she could say they brought it on themselves with public displays – although, they _were_ in a closed room, but anyone would just walk in like she had.

"This place is insane," she muttered.

That gained her the looks of everyone in the room. Owen rolled his eyes. "Well, _duh_."


	5. Chapter 5

Welcome to Armageddon!

Author: Milady Dragon

Disclaimer: Not mine! *sob*

Author's note: Next chapter time! Thanks to everyone for reading, I do love you guys!

* * *

The next several hours were filled with paperwork and preparation for the upcoming Armageddon.

Gwen couldn't believe how much actual work went into just getting ready. She must have filled out over a dozen forms, and her wrists were starting to ache from all the typing she was doing. There were forms for everything, from who had dominion over which souls, to who went to whichever Heaven or Hell after death, and even a Reincarnation form that had had Gwen giggling with all the choices that souls could come back as; but when she got to the Karma form – which linked to the Reincarnation form – Gwen was actually disheartened to see just how many people would come back under the "cockroach" category.

There was also an Angel Advancement form, and there were a few names that Owen had apparently set aside to join the ranks of his Angels. Gwen wondered just what qualified someone to become an Angel of Pestilence, and thought about asking one of the other PA's, but thought it could wait.

She could remember when there had been an Armageddon called while she'd been in Guardians, and while there would always be her fellows who'd been out of a job when their charges were killed, there'd never been this much paperwork to release them from their assignments. Here, she had to make note of every Angel that had worked on the affected worlds, and pass those names on to their individual departments for reassignment.

She felt like she was drowning in forms.

The other PA's were more than willing to help her. Gwen was so very grateful for them, because she would have torn her hair out otherwise. She'd had no idea that the Armageddon Department was such a bloody bureaucracy, and said so.

"The higher you get," Rose said, "the more paper you get buried under."

"You should see them in the Celestial Department," Donna put in. "And they don't even have the computer system we have here."

"Thank Tosh," Diane sighed, "she set all this up. From what I've heard, before we got all streamlined, it would take days to work up to an Armageddon."

That was a truly scary thought. It stopped Gwen from daydreaming that she'd accidentally stumbled into Purgatory, and that this was some sort of punishment before she was sent on to her final destination. Because if she had been, it would have been infinitely worse, she believed.

At one point, Apocalypse and Death made an appearance; Ianto looked completely unruffled, as if he'd just been taking a stroll around the dimension instead of having been _in flagrante_ in the stationary cupboard. Jack was grinning like the cat that got the cream, and shamelessly flirted with all the PA's, making them laugh and Gwen blush when it was her turn. That man was _hot_! It was too bad he was shagging Death, and that Gwen herself was with Rhys…oh well, you win some, you lose some. It wouldn't stop her from looking, though.

She took the opportunity after finishing the Restless Dead form to fetch Owen's post-its, but as she got up she noticed Donna passing Death something…was that money?

So _that_ was how Donna kept winning the pool…she'd need to remember never to bet against Donna when she was asked to join in!

Gwen spent a couple of pleasant minutes standing at the shelf where the post-its were kept, fantasizing about herself and Apocalypse in the very same place that he and Death had been, then duty – and reality – called her back to her job. She grabbed the notes and headed to her desk, on the way poking her head back into Owen's office just long enough to give him the brightly colored post-its. He growled a thanks that didn't sound at all sincere.

She continued to work, every time she thought she saw an end of it all, something else would ping into her inbox. That was something else she was getting a crash course in: passing forms back and forth to her fellow PA's. There were some she couldn't finish on her own, and it was with a sense of accomplishment when she'd be able to email something she'd completed on to its next victim. So far, only one had come back to her, and it was because of a silly spelling error.

Maybe she was getting the hang of this!

When it was time for the Horsemen to leave, they exited their offices, coming to stand in the middle of the room. Famine said something to Diane as he passed, but there weren't any last instructions to anyone, for which Gwen was very glad for. She had enough on her plate as it was, and had been dreading being given any more work before she had a chance to do what she had.

As the four stood there, the truth of who Gwen was actually working for really hit her. Even though she'd been told that Owen Harper and the others were, indeed, the Four Horsemen of Apocalypse, there was something about seeing them gathered together like that, expressions of expectancy on their faces, that really brought it all home to her. The realization made her feel like a very small fish in a really huge lake, something that she'd never considered before.

Anyone looking at each man wouldn't have necessarily noticed anything different about them; but there was an aura of power around them, and it raised the small hairs on Gwen's arms as if static was filling the air. The Horsemen held their symbols of office: scythe, sword, staff, and stalk; gone was the joking and sarcasm, replaced by a sense of purpose that also affected their PA's. No one dared break the atmosphere of anticipation by speaking. The hush was deafening.

"Time to saddle up, boys."

Gwen practically jumped at the familiar voice.

And Apocalypse arrived.

He also hadn't changed, still wearing the old-time clothing and greatcoat that he'd had on during the lunch meeting. But he, also, seemed to radiate power as he passed Gwen's desk and joined his Horsemen in the middle of the room.

Each Horseman knelt to Apocalypse, accepting his sovereignty over them. Gwen barely resisted the urge to do the same, seeing that all the other PA's were remaining standing. They might work for him, but he was the Horsemen's leader. They rode at his whim.

Apocalypse stepped in front of each man, Famine first, resting his hand on Andy's bowed head, almost in benediction.

Andy Davidson took on the mantle of his office at Apocalypse's touch.

A flair of light surrounded him, and when it was gone the true Famine was left behind. He stood, brown robes swirling about his feet, hood hiding his fair hair. He nodded, and Apocalypse moved to the next Horseman in line: Owen.

The change was the same, only Pestilence's robes were green. War followed, his own robes blood red. And, finally, there was Death, and if Apocalypse's touch was more of a caress in his case, no one said anything. Blackness coiled around him, transforming his suit into an inky match to the ceremonial robes the others wore.

Apocalypse also changed, even as he was blessing his Horsemen. His tanned skin slowly turned golden, until he glowed like an ambulatory sun. Only the coat remained the same, as if it was his own version of the robes worn by the others.

Gwen was transfixed. She'd never seen anything like this before, and it was awe-inspiring to witness. She felt unbelievably small in the face of it, realizing that, while the Horsemen might be transitory, that Apocalypse would always remain, that he was truly a Celestial Being.

No wonder he was so freaking hot.

She must have been staring, because she didn't even register Rose tugging on her sleeve. "C'mon, let's go see them off."

Gwen let herself be ushered toward the lift, following in the wake of their bosses. It was a little weird in the lift car, what with being stuffed inside with five all-powerful beings – and it made her wonder why they didn't just teleport or something to where they were going.

The door dinged open, and Gwen found herself and her fellow employees on the very rooftop. The Chaos of the Veil arched overhead, and it made her feel even smaller than she had with the Horsemen. She was seriously beginning to wonder if this was the place for her, but shoved the doubts away. This was the chance of so many lifetimes, and she needed to get it right.

She joined the other PA's just outside the lift doors, as their collected bosses made their way toward a quartet of horse-like creatures waiting on the roof. They looked like horses, but there was something off about each one…like the glowing red eyes of the black stallion, or the sparks that flew from the red roan's hooves as the animal danced in excitement. The other two – one brown, and the other a yellowish cream – were more normal, but Gwen was certain there was something different about them, as well, even if it wasn't obvious to her what it was.

As the Four Horsemen mounted, Gwen leaned over to Tosh, who stood next to her, "I thought Death rode a pale horse?" she asked silently, seeing the Horseman astride the black horse.

Tosh snorted. "That's only in the stories. Pestilence actually has the palest horse. Besides, Ianto wouldn't want to clash with his mount."

Okay, Gwen could see the reasoning behind that.

"Doesn't Apocalypse get one?"

No," the other PA answered. "He doesn't need one, being one of the Celestials."

That also made sense. While Gwen had never met one of the Celestials – until now, that was – she'd heard a lot of rumors about them. They were the most powerful of all the beings of the Multiverse, one step down from Good and Evil Themselves. As such, they tapped directly into the Warp and Weft of Creation for their abilities. Mundane forms of transportation weren't needed for them to get around.

The excitement was building. Gwen could feel her heart beginning to race. This was really happening! She was standing on the roof of the Armageddon Department, with four other PA's and the Four Horsemen and Apocalypse himself, and to think she'd only wanted to get the position in Provocation where she'd thought her skills might be more useful but she'd been hijacked by Pestilence to be his own Personal Assistant, and there was going to be a real Armageddon on her first day…

It then occurred to her that her mental voice was rambling, and told it to stop.

Gwen wondered just how crass it would be to ask them all for autographs. Not for herself, but for Rhys of course. After all, he collected their trading cards.

Oh…would she get a trading card, too? Would people be asking for her autograph?

_Stop it, Gwen…_

The golden being that was Apocalypse turned to look at the spectators. "Keep the coffee warm for us, ladies," he called out. "It's going to be a long night."

With those parting words, light flared around the Horsemen and Apocalypse, and when Gwen could see again, the five were gone.

"Well," Donna drawled, "looks like it's just us left. We got more paperwork to do."

The excitement within Gwen died. She was really beginning to hate paperwork.


	6. Chapter 6

Welcome to Armageddon!

Author: Milady Dragon

Disclaimer: Not mine! And I'm really upset about that.

Author's note: Well, this is the last chapter. There's only an epilogue, and then this trip into insanity is over. There may be more at some point, but it depends on what the bunnies say. Thanks to everyone for reading, reviewing, and alerting and adding to favorites. You're all awesome.

* * *

All the PA's came down from the roof, chattering about the Armageddon and making comments about just how _hot _all the Horsemen were, in their robes and on horseback.

Gwen didn't speak. She was too much in awe of it all. Seeing Apocalypse and his Horsemen in all their glory had been amazing, and not something she'd be likely to forget. She found herself comparing it to what she'd witnessed in Guardians, and it just couldn't. This was the very first time she'd ever gotten close to a Celestial Being, and it was a rush to say the least.

Once again, Gwen found herself doubting that this was the place she was supposed to be. She was a middle-management person, and not someone who ever thought she'd be in the position she was now. But, Owen must have seen something in her, right? Something in her CV must have gained his attention, and made him want her as his PA.

All she could do was the best she could. But the paperwork was going to drive her insane!

They all spilled out of the lift and onto their floor. "We've got a bit of time before we're needed again," Donna said, "so why don't I make us a coffee?"

"I made us some cakes," Rose said. "They even have those edible ball bearings on them."

"I understand the Big Guy likes those," Diane replied.

"You mean…" Gwen faded out, pointing her finger toward the ceiling.

"Yep," Rose enthused. "Jack's met him, and he says Good is pretty hot."

"If you like skinny boys in suits," Donna scoffed, heading toward the kitchenette. "At least our suit boy fills his out nicely."

"You met Good?" No, Gwen didn't just squeak…again.

Donna busied herself at the coffee machine. "Yep. He tried to lure Ianto away to work for him as an Archangel, but the Boss turned him down. Said he enjoyed being Death."

"More like he enjoyed being Apocalypse's bed partner," Diane scoffed.

"And lift partner, and cupboard partner, and across Apocalypse's desk partner…" Rose practically sang it.

Death had turned down Good for a job? Gwen knew she had to look gobsmacked. How could anyone do that, even if they were getting mind-blowing sex?

"Oi, you two," Donna snapped. "You know it's more than that."

"Donna's right," Tosh backed her up. "You've seen the CCTV."

Rose and Diane turned serious, nodding in agreement. "But you have to admit," Rose said, "those two get up to it anywhere and anytime."

"They can't keep their hands off each other," Tosh said. "I think it's sweet. Gwen, your computer is beeping."

It took her a full ten seconds to recognize the subject change. Gwen started, muttered an apology, then went to check on it.

An IM window had opened on her monitor.

**Azrael:** Good morning, Ms Cooper.

Gwen slid into her chair as she looked at the single sentence. The head of Angel Dispatch was IM'ing her?

She quickly typed in a greeting.

**Azrael:** Welcome to Armageddon, Ms Cooper. I hope you're settling in all right.

**Gwen Cooper: **So far, I seem to be. Thanks.

**Azrael:** You're welcome. I do hate to bring this up, but there appears to be some discrepancies between the Angel Requisition request you sent me via PDA, and the actual form you submitted. I have sent the form back to you to review.

Gwen's heart hammered. How was that possible? She'd been careful, she could have sworn…

She accessed her email, opening the attachment Azrael had sent to her. Everything looked all right, that she could see.

**Gwen Cooper:** I don't see what the problem is, I'm sorry.

**Azrael:** Instead of inputting the names of the required Angels from the 'Available' file, you used the "Active' one. When I began the dispatch process, I noticed that the Angels listed were already on assignment.

A quick look at the Angel spreadsheets proved that Azrael was right. But how was that possible? Gwen _knew_ she'd looked at the correct files. She wanted to argue about it, but the proof that she'd messed up was staring at her from her monitor.

**Azrael:** If you could make the corrections immediately, I cannot dispatch Pestilence's Angels without that form, and as the Horsemen are currently on-site of an Armageddon, there is some urgency to have this done as soon as possible.

**Gwen Cooper:** I'll get it back to you ASAP.

Her fingers were trembling as she typed that. She'd thought things had been going so well, and now this…well, all she could do was fix it.

"Is there something wrong?"

Gwen started, looking up to where Rose stood, a coffee mug and small pink cake on a napkin in her hands. She played with the idea of just blurting it out, but a part of her didn't want the other PA's to know she'd made such a mistake. "Just need to finish up a form," she said brightly. "I'm not as quick with the paperwork as you lot are."

Rose grinned, but there was something in the expression that said that she wasn't sure she totally believed it. "Well, finish that up and come and join us. Here's your coffee and cake." She set her gifts down on the desktop, avoiding the inset keyboard. "Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it." She turned and rejoined the other PA's at the kitchenette, where they were laughing and enjoying their break.

She sighed. No break for her.

It took her about twenty minutes to finish the form; all the time very much aware that she was actually holding up an Armageddon. Gwen would have finished sooner, but she was now just paranoid enough that she wanted to make sure it was correct this time.

Finally, as sure as she could be that she'd gotten it right, Gwen sent the document back to Angel Dispatch, IM'ing Azrael that she'd done so.

**Azrael: ** Thank you, Ms Cooper. I hope the rest of your day goes well.

Gwen sighed, shutting down the IM window. She didn't think it could get worse.

* * *

She was wrong.

The Armageddon seemed to last forever, although Gwen knew it was only very early in the morning when things began to slow down again, signaling the end. She'd managed to call Rhys and tell him she would be late, although she hadn't been able to explain why. Her boyfriend had understood, but Gwen could tell he was dying for an explanation. She'd have to wait until she saw him, it was just too strange to tell over the phone.

She and the other PA's had had about an hour of quiet before they had to start things up again. It wasn't paperwork this time; it was a stream of data that had Gwen dizzy with confusion. Tosh had kindly explained to her that this was real-time streaming of what each Horseman was doing. They were mainly having to do with souls being harvested, and in what way they'd died. Because this Armageddon was rather Pestilence-heavy, most of the dead would have been killed by the virus that had been set loose, and that meant all of that information would funnel its way through Gwen's terminal. Only Donna had it worse; at least there were other causes of death in this, even if those causes were few and far between. Everyone in an Armageddon died, and so came under Death's purview.

With Rose and Diane's help – Tosh had to take care of Apocalypse's data, and there was even more of that than what Gwen and Donna had to deal with – Gwen managed to get the streaming down to a manageable level. She still didn't really understand most of it, but was able to recognize enough to make sure that all that information got to where it needed to go…for the most part. She hoped she wasn't making any more mistakes. The one with Azrael had been bad enough.

By the time it all began to wind down, Gwen was exhausted and she had a headache. Her fingers were no longer certain on her keyboard and her wrists and back were sore. All she wanted to do was go home and curl up in bed with Rhys, and never get out of it again.

Rose had obligingly given her a list of after-Armageddon paperwork that needed doing, but this one didn't seem as daunting as the one she'd had to work from before events. Gwen took another sip of her coffee, rubbing her eyes wearily. The computer screen was starting to blur a bit and the caffeine didn't seem to be as effective anymore. She really hoped that this was nearly done, because she didn't think she'd be able to do much more without making the mistakes she was dreading.

What really irritated her was that the other PA's seemed to be just fine. She couldn't judge Tosh, since she'd gone back up to Apocalypse's floor to work on her own assignment, but the other three looked just as strong as they had at the beginning of the previous day. It just wasn't fair, and a small part of her was whispering to her that they were used to working like this, that it was just her inexperience, but she wasn't listening. Gwen Cooper wanted to do her job properly, and on the first try.

Gwen didn't dare look at her watch, because she really didn't want to know how long she'd been sitting at her desk. She stretched, her back cracking. The form she was working on blurred a bit more, and the lukewarm coffee wasn't helping any.

She hadn't realized that Apocalypse and the Horsemen had returned until she heard her name shouted from the lift area.

Gwen's head went up. The five beings were exiting the lift, looking much like they had when she'd met them: five men, dressed casually. Only the symbols of their offices gave them away. They looked as tired as Gwen was feeling.

All except Owen, of course. He was looking livid.

Pestilence stormed over to her desk, waving his staff as if he was going to hit her. "Just what the fuck happened?" he shouted. "Can't you even handle simple paperwork without screwing it up?"

Gwen's mouth dropped open. Yes, she'd known she was bound to get some sort of dressing down over the Requisition form, but she hadn't expected it to be so loud…and so public. She could feel the eyes of everyone on her as Owen ranted on.

"The Armageddon was delayed because of you! Are you so stupid that you can't even follow simple directions?"

That was enough. Gwen felt herself go from embarrassed to angry in the space of a heartbeat.

She stood, the better to face her erstwhile boss. "Just one minute!" she snapped. "In case you've forgotten, this is my first day here! I made a mistake, but I fixed it, and I'm willing to admit that I screwed up. But don't you dare call me stupid or any other names! I'm not, I'm just doing the best I can with a new job that I didn't even apply for! You're the one who hired me, Owen Harper…so anything I do goes back to you. I didn't even consider applying up here…I just wanted a job in Provocation, where I thought my skills would be appreciated. But no…you had to choose my CV! I'm not even sure why! There's nothing in it that says I've ever done anything like this! Or, did you hire me just because I have a 'pert arse', I believe you said earlier? If so, I can't think much of your hiring practices! You're a disagreeable, argumentative, egotistical prat, and I've picked that up just in the hours I've known you!"

A small part of her, deep in the back of her mind, was screaming at her that she was currently pissing off one of the most powerful men in Armageddon, and that if she still wanted to work there she'd have to back off. But she was too far gone; she hadn't even worked with Pestilence all that much, but she already knew she'd be miserable with him. The entire Department was filled with nothing but crazies, and all she wanted was something _normal_. She was tired, and she'd missed dinner, and Rhys was waiting for her at home.

But there was something in Owen's face, almost a gleeful look that made her even angrier. "Now, that's what I call a PA," he grinned. "You'll do just fine, Cooper."

Gwen's eyes went wide. He wasn't even saying that his attitude was a test, was he? Oh no, he didn't! "Forget it," she snapped, waggling a finger under his nose. "The last thing I want to do is work for you! You can take this job and shove it up your arse!" There was a part of her that wanted to punch him in that smug face, but instead she gathered up her bag and flounced toward the lift.

No one came after her, and it was only when she was in the lift and turned back toward the office, that Gwen realized it wasn't because they were happy she was gone…they were too much in shock to say anything, simply staring as the doors slid shut.

A great weight that she didn't even know she was wearing seemed to vanish from her shoulders. Yes, being PA to a Horseman was a prestigious job, but it was far too boring for her tastes. All that bloody paperwork…maybe it really wasn't Owen's attitude that had caused her to leave, but was only the last straw. She knew the job they did was important, but it wasn't for her.

In the morning – well, later on in the day – she'd see if that position in Provocation was still open.

The lift dumped her out into the lobby. It wasn't so busy as it had been when she'd arrived yesterday, and as she walked past the reception desk she noticed that Emma-Louise was either still on duty, or had left and come back and had really strange shifts.

"Gwen!" the young woman called her back. "I have something for you."

"I'm not working up there anymore," Gwen said, not sure what the other woman wanted.

Emma-Louise sighed. "I think Apocalypse is gonna really kill Pestilence one of these days…but anyway, that doesn't matter. Here." She handed Gwen an envelope. "Although there'll only be one since you don't work for him anymore."

Gwen opened the envelope, laughing at the contents. "My boyfriend will love it."

It was a trading card. _Her_ trading card, as Pestilence's PA. The picture wasn't half bad, either.

At least she had a souvenir in her time there. Maybe Rhys will actually believe her now.


	7. Epilogue

Welcome to Armageddon!

Author: Milady Dragon

Disclaimer: It's not mine, because I would have treated it better.

Author's Note: Well, this is the last chapter. Thanks, everyone, for reading this. It was a bit odd, but I hope you all enjoyed.

* * *

The entire group stared in shock as the lift doors closed, hiding the departing Gwen Cooper from view.

Jack was the first one to recover. He spun, spearing his chosen Pestilence with a glare that would have sent any lesser being scurrying for cover. "Owen, you twat!"

He Held his hands, either to shield himself or to surrender, Jack wasn't sure. "Hey! It's not my fault she screwed up!"

Apocalypse was livid. He'd always let his Horsemen have their way in staffing concerns, although he did check into just who was going to be coming into his department. Jack had honestly thought that Gwen would have been the one to stay, to stand up to Owen and to put him in his place. "And just how badly did you 'screw up' on your first day as Pestilence?" he snarled, stalking toward Owen angrily, getting up into the younger being's face. "I seem to recall twelve innocents died that day! I had to explain to Good just why Celestial got bombarded with paperwork and why there were those totally unexpected deaths. And _then_ I had to practically grovel to Evil because one of those that died was someone he'd been grooming to become one of his Fallen!"

He was gratified that his points hit home, judging from Owen's sudden paleness. "Look, Boss – "

"No, I don't want to hear it. You know how important our PA's are to the running of this department. And you've been through five of them in the last month! And Gwen's leaving wasn't even a record for you!"

"None of them measure up to our standards!" Owen tried to defend himself.

"No…none of them measure up to _Katie_. There's an important difference there, Owen." Jack sighed. "Katie's gone. She took a very well-deserved promotion. This is all about you not being able to deal with what you think of as her betrayal of you, when that's not true at all. She moved on. If you want her back that badly, then petition Evil to transfer her back."

That made Owen cringe. Jack was well aware of just what Evil would demand just to hear such a petition, and then he'd never sign off on it. Evil was a sadistic bastard, and that was probably the nicest thing that could be said of him. "I'll try to do better next time."

"You'd better be," Jack growled, "because the next PA coming in here is going to be someone _I_ hire."

Owen's eyes widened. "But you can't – "

"I can, and will. First thing tomorrow I'm going to have Tosh go through all the CV's that are on file, and bring me the most experienced ones. Whichever one I choose, will report here the following morning for training. And no, Owen…you won't have anything to do with that training. If the others are good with it, then I'll have our other PA's work with whomever I hire. You have no choice, Owen; either deal with it or do your own paperwork. And I mean all of it."

Pestilence had actually gone pale. "The others were supposed to work with Gwen, and look what happened! She still screwed up!"

Jack couldn't believe he was still trying to rationalize what happened. "Everyone is going to screw up, Owen…that's because no one in this room is perfect." The soft sound of a throat clearing was clearly heard in the silence. "Well, except for Ianto." Another throat clearing. "And Donna." He waited to see if anyone else was going to interrupt, and when no one did he continued. "But everyone else – including me – messes up. Your attitude was completely unacceptable, and it lost us what could have been a valuable asset to this department. Now, let's all finish up, and call it a fairly successful Armageddon. I don't want to see anyone in here until tomorrow morning, we've earned the downtime. Make sure you have enough Angels scheduled to cover any shifts, then take off. And no, Owen. No one is going to help you. You made your bed, so you get to lie in it."

Pestilence's shoulders slumped in defeat, but Jack refused to feel sorry for him.

* * *

There really wasn't a day and a night in this dimension; only a lightening and darkening of the Veil Between Dimensions that followed a very specific pattern that the inhabitants of Armageddon used to judge the time. It wasn't like that in other dimensions, but Apocalypse liked it that way. He was careful to make sure his employees usually got out of the dimension on a schedule that matched the other departments, and it worked well all the way around.

He stared out at the darkened Veil, enjoying the quiet although he himself never slept. Celestial beings didn't need to, but that didn't stop him from enjoying a nice lie down, especially after a rousing bout of good sex.

Speaking of good sex…

"What kept you?" he asked, watching his lover approach in the reflection in the large window.

Ianto joined him. "I felt a bit sorry for Owen, so I helped him out for a few minutes. Did you know that the only things on his computer are porn and computer games?"

Jack snorted. "It used to be worse before Toshiko hacked him and cleared it out." He turned, grabbing Ianto by the hips and pulling him close. "And you…help Owen? Since when have you ever felt altruistic enough to help him?"

"Because then he'll owe me a favor," Death smirked. "And he'll be paranoid that I'll actually collect at some point."

Apocalypse chuckled. "You are a sneaky bastard, Ianto Jones."

"I'll take that as a compliment," Ianto said primly, but the sly look in his blue eyes betrayed his amusement. "Oh…and I made sure that the original position in Provocation was still open for Gwen. I thought it was the least we could do after Owen's shit."

Jack nodded; he'd been planning on asking Toshiko to do that very thing. "After the bollicking she gave Owen, I'd think Gwen would fit in perfectly down there."

"I thought the same thing. Besides, she needs a bit of a reward for handling the Armageddon that way she did, even If there was a cock-up with the paperwork."

Jack pulled him even closer, until their bodies were flush. His fingers trailed up to his blood-red tie, loosening the knot. "And do I get some sort of reward for leading my Horsemen today in a fairly successful Armageddon?"

"You think you deserve something for doing your job, then?" Ianto teased, hands resting on Jack's upper arms.

"But I do it with such panache," he retorted, sliding the tie loose and dropping it to the floor. He promptly attacked the exposed pale skin at Ianto's throat, nibbling and licking it and making the younger man moan.

"That you do," Ianto answered huskily, his own fingers pulling at the buttons of Jack's shirt. "Maybe you do deserve some sort of reward…"

Jack pulled back from his exploration of his Death's neck. "And how to propose to reward me?"

"Well," Ianto drawled, "why don't I get the scythe, you get the coat….and I'll meet you in the bedroom?"

Jack's heartbeat raced. "You really know how to push the kink buttons."

"I've had a lot of practice." He reached into his jacket pocket. "I'll give you five minutes," he said, clicking the button on the ornate stopwatch he'd revealed, "and counting."

Ianto sauntered away, and Jack watched his ass as it swayed in those sinfully tight trousers. It was at times like this that he wondered just why Good had wanted to recruit him…when Ianto Jones was so bloody evil he should have been one of Evil's Fallen. That man embodied so many of the Deadly Sins he should have been the poster boy for the Christian Hell.

He was so glad that Ianto was his Death, and was likely to be for the foreseeable future.

Whistling, Apocalypse went to fetch his coat. He didn't want to be late…but then, he always enjoyed himself when Death had to punish him…


End file.
